Forever
by AMessOfFandoms
Summary: What if Hammond didn't let alex tell Olivia about WPP.. How would that change things?.. Slight angst in first chapter but a very happy end for Alex and Olivia, cause who doesn't want them together! A/O warning: femslash - don't like don't read. All reviews welcomed.
1. Chapter 1

Never before have I felt such overwhelming sadness;it engulfs me, dragging me down into the deepest, darkest recesses of a seemingly endless abyss of nothingness. How do I cope with it? How do others cope with it? I've only felt this way for 18 months and it's killing me, others have dealt with this for so much longer.. How do they find the strength to carry on? It's constantly carrying around dead weight on your back. It's saying your fine when in reality your crumbling, simply because no one else would understand. It's questioning your very existence every single second of the day. It's the constant internal debates over what should be the simplest of things. In my sane, logical mind I know it hasn't always been this way , but it feels like this feeling has always been there, like this aching in my chest is a constant. Everyone always says it'll get better with time. It doesn't! Time makes it worse. Over time the feeling grows almost unbearably Stronger, but no one notices because time gives you chance to learn how to mask your feelings, to put up a calm and collected facade designed to hide your real thoughts and feelings.

Each day I'm simply going through the motions, I wake up, get dressed, go to work and come home. Hardly ever deviating from this ritual. Just a never ending cycle that seems to blur into one until hours, days, months become inconsequential. Some may deem this the worst part, the monotonous nature of my existence,but they're wrong. The worst part is the days, though far and few between, that I get the tiniest sliver of hope that there's a light at the end of this oppressive tunnel. It's the days where I wake up and for just a split second the weight isn't there, I'm free of the guilt, the sadness, only for it to come crashing back on top of me once again suffocating me within its clutches. It's the tiny moment where something reminds me of her, a waft of her perfume, the same expressive blue of her eyes and for a second it's not guilt encompassing me, it's her. Her strong, comforting arms holding me close like a safety blanket protecting me from the harsh realities of the real world. Those moments are the hardest because no sooner do I smell her perfume than its gone with the wind and I'm left behind in the dust, unshed tears tainting the eyes she loved to stare into so lovingly.

In all honesty I don't know how to continue on, the pain that stabs my heart grows worse with each passing day, sometimes I think I'd be better off just ending it all. Cutting just a little too deep, swallowing a load of pills. Anything to release my mind to the tranquility and clarity that death would surely bring. No more nightmares, no more hidden feelings, no more anything... Just a blissful eternity of nothingness. Despite the temptations, I can't. Just can't. She would never have wanted me to end it all due to her, she would have wanted me to carry on, find someone else to love me, maybe have some children. That's ridiculous. No one could ever replace her in my heart and it simply wouldn't be fair to date anyone else when I could never give myself to them fully. Not that I want anyone else, everyone else pales in comparison to her beauty, both inside and out. She truly was the love of my life, as cliche as that sounds it's true without a shadow of a doubt. Besides I deserve this, it's my punishment for failing her so badly. What if I had saved her, compressed her wound better, took the bullet for her. Hell what if I'd had the courage to admit to the world my love for her then I would've held her hand and it would've hit me anyway. All these 'what ifs' are destroying me, tearing me up inside, keeping me awake at night running through every conceivable scenario until the sun rises once again and my alarm blares out. That's right, I deserve This pain. Ending it all would be the cowards way out, I've been a coward too many times and it's cost me the most important thing in my life. I won't... Can't let that happen again. No. I can't end it, I must trudge on with life. Hoping and praying that one day I will wake up and find this has all been a horrendous dream ,or at the very least that I die sooner rather than later. Until then I shall bide my time, waiting for the grim reaper to come for me. Filling my days with work and my sweet memories of her. Laying awake reminiscing of all the now heart-wrenching moments we shared. Even now, so long since she's been gone, I don't have the heart to change anything, as if changing things would some how make me forget her.

Every night is spent staring at what used to be her pillow, her side of the bed, it even still smells faintly of the scent that I know as so uniquely her. A mixture of jasmine and vanilla, with something else that I could never place but all combines to make the irresistible aroma that is just so purely her and her alone. It's become a sort of ritual that every night I go to sleep wearing her old Harvard sweatshirt that she gave me the first night I spent at hers and I fall asleep with my arm kind of draped across her pillow. It's never the same as holding her but it brings me a small amount of comfort, which is all I can hope for in these such dark days.

Knock! knock! Knock! Knock!

The quick succession of the four knocks on my door makes my heart stop. No. I can't let myself hope for something that is so impossible, but that was her knock. She is the only person I know that knocks like that.

Quickly I roll over, it's 2am. Who would come here at 2am? Much less without calling first. Stumbling out of bed I pull on some jeans, carefully padding my way through my apartment to the door. Opening it, my heart skips a beat. It... It can't be. She was gone, but now she's hear on my doorstep, soaked from the rain.

"Alex?.. I-Is it really you?"

"Yeah liv, it's me... It's been so long. Too long. God I've missed you so much"

"B-but you were dead.. I spoke at your funeral, watched you lowered into the ground, left you a single yellow rose just like you wanted."

"There's so much I have to tell you liv. I never died, agent Hammond put me in witness protection, he wouldn't let me tell anyone. I begged and pleaded with them to let me tell you, but they wouldn't allow it. Wouldn't even let me take a picture of any of you, so I snuck one in."

"Alex, come on inside. We need to get you warm and dry then we can talk for as long as we want. God I've missed you"

Ushering alex inside, I find her some dry clothes. At first I started to go through her clothes that I never could work up the nerve to get rid of, then she stopped me. Instead preferring to wear some of mine, not that I minded. I like that she loves to wear my clothes just as much as I love to wear hers. A short while later we're both sat on my couch with a cup of tea, staring at eachother as if looking away would make the other vanish again.

"So.. Do you want to tell me about you time in WPP? It's fine if you don't, just tell me whatever you feel comfortable with. It's enough for me just to have you back. It was a long 18 months."

"Honestly, I hated it liv. My name was Emily. I mean come on, it sounds so dainty and weak. I spent every second of everyday wishing I was with you. I could have never got anything else back, they could keep the money, the job, the name, everyone else. I just needed you.

"God Alex I felt exactly the same. So many times I just wanted to be with you. Death with you, would be infinitely better than life without you. It's been awful Alex. I've just been living in this dark haze, nothing's been the same without you. So many times I wanted to end it all, but I didn't because I couldn't let you down like that. Now I'm so glad I didn't. I just got so sick of the everyone telling me to move on, setting me up with people. None of them were you. I tried, I knew that you wouldn't want me to be alone forever, but none of them had eyes as piercing and expressive as yours, the sunlight didn't shine off their hair like it does off yours. No one was as passionate as you, no one was as ambitious while still caring about the people they passed on the way up like you, no one was as incredibly smart as you are. They just weren't you. So I gave up, resigned myself to being alone until the end."

"Oh liv, I'm so sorry to have put you through this. You didn't deserve this. For what it's worth, I only went on 2 dates the entire time I was gone, and they were disasters. None of them could compare to you, so I gave up. Hoping that one day Velez would be caught and I could return to your arms... No where else makes me feel safer."

Getting the hint, I open my arms, inviting her into my embrace. In seconds she's clinging to me as if life depended on it. Nothing has ever felt so good, just holding her once again. I'm never letting her go again. We sit like this for a long time, whispering lovingly to each other.

"..Lex. I love you. So, so much. Words literally can't describe how much I love you. I never stopped."

"I'm so relieved to hear you say that.. Your the love of my life liv. There could never be anyone I love more than you. Please tell me we can start again.. Have a future together."

"No Alex." I immediately feel her tense up. " but we can pick up where we left off. I don't want to start over, I cherish our memories together so much. I don't wanna leave them behind. I want to move forward and grow old together."

"I want that too liv, more than you'll ever know"

Gently placing my hand under her chin, I lift up her face so I can stare into her perfect, intense blue eyes. Then I kiss her. Pouring every emotion I've felt over the last 18 months into it, the love, the longing, the desire, everything. In reality it probably only lasted seconds but to us it lasted the 18 months we were apart.

After a while, I stand up, picking Alex up bridal style and carrying her to bed. Our bed. Carefully I place her on her side of the bed and climb in beside her. Just like we used to, I place my arm over her waist and pull close, cuddling up together it's like no time has passed at all. We still have a lot to talk about, but that can all wait until tomorrow. Right now I'm content to fall asleep with the love of my life in my arms once again. We might not be the most conventional couple and it might not be a 'happily ever after', but neither of us care. If life ceased to exist right now, it wouldn't matter. We both got our wish, to be together... Forever.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N

Just a quick note to say thank you for the faves and follows, it means a lot after it took so long to work up the nerve to publish my work. Also a big thank you to Brels for reviewing.

Brels- it wouldn't let me respond to you earlier so I figured I'd update for you instead. I won't always update so quick or so regular so enjoy it while it lasts.

Slowly my eyes flutter open. Wh-what? There's a dead weight on top of me, a very familiar weight. That's when it all comes flooding back to me. She's back. Alex is really here. I take this time to just stare at her, relearning every dip and crease of her face and memorising the new ones. Gazing at her my heart swells with love, I'm not going to mess it up this time. We both know how short life can be and how the rug can be pulled from under you. We can't waste any more time worrying about the 'what ifs'.

I smile as I feel her breathing change, realising she's waking up and I can once again stare into the cerulean eyes I love so much. Leaning forward I kiss her cheek softly, pulling back to see her eyes flutter open.

"Morning liv"

"Good morning sleeping beauty"

"When do you have to be into work?"

"Uh.." I glance behind her and check the alarm clock. "8am so we have a couple of hours yet"

"Good, that means we can lay here a little longer before we need to start the day"

We lay there together, my arms still wrapped around for another ten minutes just staring into each other's eyes as if seeing right into the others soul. Eventually though we have to get up. I let her take the first shower while I make the coffee. Before too long she steps out of my bedroom dressed in some of her old clothes but wearing one of my court blouses. This makes me break into a wide smile.

"Damn you look even sexier in those than I remember" she blushes and walks over to me, taking her coffee and having a sip

"You remembered"

"Of course I still remember how you take your coffee.. I started having mine like that too after you left. It made me think of you."

I quickly jump in the shower and get dressed. We're soon out of the apartment and en route to the squad room.

"Alex I'm only going in to inform the captain that I'll be needing a few personal days. Lord knows I have enough holidays days."

"You don't have to do that liv"

"Yeah I do, I want to. I've missed you so much, I can't bear to be away from you too much just yet" I tear comes to my eye

"..I feel the same liv. I just didn't know how to say it without coming off as clingy" she places her hand on my thigh and squeezes it gently in reassurance.

Just then I pull up at the station.

"How do you wanna do this? It's your return so we'll do it however you want. Do you want us to remain 'just good friends' like before or.."

"If it's ok with you, I don't ever want to go back to the way things were.. You've always been more than just a friend. I love you liv, We were fools to hide it from everyone. I mean Elliott took it well so why wouldn't the others."

"Of course it's ok with me, all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you."

"That's all I want too.. Just follow my lead"

A quick, yet affectionate kiss later and walking inside, getting in the elevator on our way to the 1-6. The whole way we didn't hold hands, just stood closer together than ex colleagues would. However as I hold the door open for Alex to walk in, she takes hold of my hand and interlaces our fingers, hiding them behind her back. I smile, happy to play along.

No one even glances up as we walk in despite the loud clicking of Alex's signature heels on the floor.

"Now is this anyway to greet your old ADA.." She says, a sculpted eyebrow raised with practiced ease.

Everyone stares completely stunned, but why wouldn't they be coming face to face with a woman they believed had died over a year ago.

"Seems she still has the power to shut you all up" I smirk

"Guys relax, I'm not some ghost come back to haunt you I swear. After velez' attempt on my life I was put in WPP."

Slowly everyone gets over the shock and finally notices our interlocked hands, out of the corner of my eye I see El's smug smirk.

Fin, being the daring one, is the first to acknowledge it. "What's with the hand holding? You guys finally get your shit together? I suppose being apart for 18 months can do that to ya"

"Actually Fin we had been together 6 months before I went into witsec.. We were just keeping it secret. We realise now how stupid we were to hide our love. No more hiding." She looks at me. "Ever."

Hearing her declare our love for each other makes me love her even more, if such a thing is even possible. Without further delay and whilst Alex and the guys are catching up I head into Cragen's office.

He smiles at me as I walk in, a special twinkle in his eye clearly showing that he heard everything that was just said

"Yes liv, you can take as many days as you like. Just inform me of when you plan to return to work. Now go back to your girl."

I smile gratefully. "Thanks cap'n"

Like a shot, I'm out of his office and back at Alex's side, my arm instinctively wrapping around her waist. This makes her smile at me and gently kiss the side of my head. Soon enough the guys are called to a case and me and Alex are walking back to the car, hand in hand.

"So where to next, my love?"

"Let's just go home.. Honestly everything else can wait, I just want to be alone with you, maybe talk some more"

"Anything you want, I'll even cook for you."

"Aww your the sweetest liv. Oh and will you be able to take me to the DA's office tomorrow? I don't get my car and apartment back till next week and I have a meeting with Branch."

"Of course, I'm at your complete disposal for as long as you need, or want me"

I open the car door for her, her commenting on me still retaining my chivalry. Before long we're back at my apartment, sharing a home cooked meal and talking the night away, finally collapsing into bed at 2am, cuddling together almost instinctively but definitely lovingly. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, especially with Alex's impending meeting with Branch.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N just a quick note to anyone reading this story, upon further research I realised it is in fact McCoy who was DA when Alex returned so her meeting is therefore with McCoy, I'm in the process of making the correction in the last chapter. Hope you enjoy this new chapter.

The next morning was very much like yesterday's, just us following our usual routine. Nothing is more comforting than the simple joys of doing something that feels so natural to us after everything became so cold and unfamiliar in the wake of Alex's 'death'.

Quickly climbing into my car, we begin the journey to the Manhattan district attorney's office, with Alex anxiously awaiting her meeting with McCoy.

Arriving punctual as ever, can't have people thinking Alex's standards are slipping, we walk up to McCoys office, waiting patiently outside his office whilst he converses with Novak on an ongoing case. I didn't plan to come inside with Alex, thinking that she'd prefer to do this alone but she insisted, stating that she needed my support and didn't want to be away from me if she didn't have to.

Finally Novak leaves, greeting us with a polite smile as she heads back to her office.

"You ready for this Alex? Don't forget I'll be right outside the door so if you need me just come get me, no matter how silly ,you think, the reason may be, I'm here"

"Miss Cabot? Are you ready for our meeting?"

"Of course sir." I kiss her cheek, ushering her inside before regaining my previous seat outside the office, anxiously awaiting news of the meeting.

Twenty minutes later and Alex glides out of the office, laughing at something McCoy said, her signature smile in place.

No sooner had Alex closed the door than she rushes over to me and hugs me tight, I return the embrace with practices ease.

"Hey baby, so how'd it go? What did he want?"

"So he's offered me my old job back as SVU's ada. Now before you scream conflict of interest, word travels fast around here so he already knows about us. I won't be the only Ada for your precinct. The case load will be split between myself and casey. She'll handle any cases where your the lead detective ,and any warrants you need will have to be asked for officially by Elliot"

"Wow that's amazing, I'm so glad. I couldn't imagine you working with any other squad. Your part of the SVU family" I give her a short, but passion filled kiss.

"That's not the best part. Since casey and I are splitting the case load, it'll be less work and so therefor less hours. We'll be able to see a bit more of each other and I'll be able to cook for you every once in a while."

"I honestly can't think of anything that could make me happier than getting to see more of your stunning face."

Taking her hand in mine, we take a slow stroll back to the car, discussing any other plans for the day. With nothing in particular in mind we simply head for an early lunch at what used to be 'our' cafe. We'd meet here at least once a week to have lunch together since it's almost exactly halfway between her office and the precinct.

Walking inside we place our usual orders as if the last 18 months never even occurred. The Italian matriarch type woman who owned the cafe was stunned to say the least when she saw Alex gracefully stride into the cafe, sitting at our usual table. After visiting so frequently we came to know Angela quite well so it was no surprise when she quickly rushed over to our table

"Alex?!.. Your alive? I mean.. What? How?"

Alex smiles at how flustered she's become, clearly showing her concern for the younger blonde.

"I'm fine Angela, I promise. I just pushed a little too hard on a case, as I'm sure you know I was shot. I didn't however die, I instead was placed in witness protection. I only recently came back"

"..wow I'm just glad your back, after your 'death' liv here stopped coming in, I missed seeing you two lovebirds in here. It used to really brighten my day." She notices our interlocked hands placed on the table. "I see even 18 months apart couldn't stop your obvious love for one another."

I can't help the beaming smile that spreads across my face.

"Nothing in the world could stop our love Angela, Alex is, as cliched and cheesy as it sounds, my soulmate. She's it as far as I'm concerned"

"Aww your it for me too liv, no one could ever come close to you."

"Don't worry about it, I love cliches, I just wish my Janie could find someone who looks at her the way you look at eachother.. Anyway I'm getting off track. Your meals on the house, it'll be here shortly."

"Thank you very much Angela. We greatly appreciate it, and I'm sure Jane will find love soon enough, it'll just hit her out of nowhere."

With that Angela beats a hasty retreat, heading quickly back to the till as another customer enters.

A delicious meal and good conversation, with even better companionship, we're exiting the cafe hand in hand with promises to come back again soon.

"So counsellor, any where else you wanna go today? I am at your beck and call, after all. I'll even suffer through a shopping trip for you"

"You must really love me to offer to join me on a shopping trip, but how about a rain check on that? I want to return the favour from last night and cook for you. I didn't socialise much in WPP, so I had plenty of time to perfect my cooking skills"

"Ok your on, can't wait to see what you decide to make for me. I'm sure I'll love it whatever it is."

After stopping for supplies on the way home, Alex cooks us a world class meal and we spend the night curled up on the sofa together. Softly conversing over a bottle or two of wine, making plans for the next couple of weeks. As ever ending the night, cuddled up together in our bed, for yet another perfect nights sleep held in each others warm, loving embrace.


End file.
